SUDDENLY ALONE
I know I told you that I tried
When truly I have broken down
I am lost and I am found
But you’re the only one
Who doesn’t know what’s going on
Outside your lonely mind
You search the world for anything
Other than my love for you
My mind goes blank as I try to think
Of the reasons you left me here to bleed
All alone in your paradise
Wondering why you feel you must lie
Crumbled in a world so bitter
Kept in your captivity,
Your thoughts feel flimsy in the dark
And give away your arrogance
All alone in your lair
The kingdom of your childish fears
The reddened tears fall down my face
As I imagine my life without you
No more feeling pride and joy
Would you feel your heart slip
So far away from my soul?
You showed me peace and compromise
And now I’ll show you the door
You don’t feel pain the way I do
You just display your misery
It doesn’t take much for you
To point the blame at someone else
I have collapsed
I feel I am falling
But you’re not here to grasp my hand
You’re never here to hold me close
I have come to my breaking point
And I have come across less faith
I know not to trust again
I stumbled right into your arms
And believed that you would care for me
But all you cared about was love
To give to anyone other than me
Your lies are stark
Hiding no longer
Right beside you in your lair
I hate your hand upon my heart
Once lingering, thrice removed
Our love will end in quick short breaths
Get ready now, here comes my death.
Courtney Roach
June 1-2, 2004
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HURTS TO LOVE YOU
Staring at the ceiling
Thinking of you for the hundredth time today
Lying in the dim light
Wishing you were here beside me
To make me truly smile once again
The paper is falling from my hands
As I try to close my eyes
Try to visualize your face
I’m listening now to the soundtrack of my life
I want to turn the volume down
So that I cannot hear it
Because I cannot bear it
The sound makes the tears fall
It hurts to love you.
Courtney Roach
June 5, 2004
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PUT UP ANOTHER FIGHT
You walked in the front door, making your move
Loud words rip across the room, making their way toward me
Bullied instructions scream at me with sudden bursts
You let me alone, in spite of yourself
Turn off one light, turn on the other
Make light for your search
Upon the shelves of many stories
Stories you grew up with
Stories you’re too conceited for
You stutter a sigh and continue your march
Maybe you’ll return again
As I sit alone, waiting for someone,
Something to happen,
I hear a door slam
I sit in the midst of all the commotion
Waiting for songs to end
Waiting for you to put up another fight
But I want you to stay out of my sight
Keep in the darkness, alone in the shadows
Waiting for something
You’re not alone.
Courtney Roach
June 5, 2004
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KEEP THIS PENCIL MOVING
I feel like I have nothing left to live for
As I lay my head upon the floor
Watching the room spin around my life
Not seeing you for days keeps me living on for good
The senseless things that you could say
Never seem to find their way to me
Because you’re not here to guide my heart away from pain
Pain you serve me
But I’m not good enough to lead myself to you
For fear of dying happy
I’ll sleep tonight and have an awful dream
You won’t be present and I’ll be scared of letting you down
I crave for my therapy, thoughts of you and I alone
Born again to something new
Love and tears as a necessity
But we would know not to part
So far as we thought we could
Keep this pencil moving
And I know I’ll be okay
Even if you’re not within my heart.
Courtney Roach
June 6-7, 2004
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THE DEVIL THAT YOU SEEK
From this moment on,
I’ve seen a million things I shouldn’t have
Would you mind telling me what has happened,
To the soul bearing monster inside?
Have you crossed the line of sanity,
And become the devil that you seek?
I won’t be the angel that you haunt
I know that somewhere buried beneath
Are the blue pearls of purity
Within your heart
I feel the pain you’ve felt from the start
To cause you no smiles makes my love return
And withstand the hate your words bring me
You toss me aside and forget me again
It seems I am trying
To find you a reason
To ignore and not understand me.
Courtney Roach
June 12, 2004
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LOVING BLOOD
Your words melt into the sky
So I can see as I pass by
Where our love first met the rode ahead
But my words burn in mid-air
Open your eyes and see what I’ve to say
With you, I can’t live for today
With you, I can’t live again like yesterday
You empty my heart with a passion
You search my soul for confusion
And when you find your hidden treasure
I see the sun shining in your eyes
Struggle with yourself for what you’ve already got
Or so it seems
You’ll never own the loving heart you bear
To hold me is to crave me, you cannot construe
The hot, still air tells me to end what we haven’t got
When I look in your eyes one last time
I notice something’s brewing underneath
Under your skin runs blood, loving blood
You’d bleed for me
You’d die for me
I realize it seems to late
But you know I’d do the same.
Courtney Roach
June 18, 2004
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BEAUTIFUL SCARS
I hear the words that make me feel happy
I’d change my every word for you
When you speak, it’s like a memory
I never hear your voice
We near the edge
But together we’ll be forever
Hold me as we fall, but keep whispering in my ear
As long as I feel your words, I know you’re hear
You tell me I’m beautiful
But your touch means more to me
There have been scars and there will always be
We’ll grow back together and make it somehow
I tell you I love you
You tell me you care
I believe you this time
As long as you’re always here.
Courtney Roach
June 21, 2004
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A DIFFERENT PATH
You raise your head, look up at the sky
See the future through your eyes
Suns and stars and memories
Choke on thoughts of those days
You chose, in misery, a different path
Strangle yourself with her hands
Visions of her suffocate your mind
Manage to stifle a painful cry
You wish for one more chance
To stand beside her once again
To see those burning embers in her eyes
To take back all those heartless lies
But now I tell you in confidence
You can’t take back what you have lost
And you have lost all but me.
Courtney Roach
June 23, 2004
